When we get comfortable we get lazy.

"We all have our fears. The problem with how we look at fears today is that it keeps us from taking action and creating the life we really want. Fear isn’t dangerous, unless you make it so. The fear of fear is scarier than the actual fear." - Unknown

Ever wonder why it's so hard to break from a routine? I have and it is one word: FEAR. I fear what will happen if I break out of that 'comfort' zone. I fear what people will think of me when I'm not who they want me to be. I fear who I will be when I finally become the person I know I am...

In life we all struggle to please everyone but rarely do we struggle to please ourselves. What makes us happy? Making other people happy? I used to believe that, and I believed that with everything I had. However, over the years I've learned that it isn't always the case...sometimes by making other people happy you forget about who the person is that is doing it.

High school was honestly probably the worst time in my life and those four years, along with the people in my life during those years, shaped me into who I am today. Good and Bad. I hate how kids struggle with their weight and get made fun of DAILY because of it. Sometimes by kids who don't even know what they are saying or why they are saying it but they follow the "cool kids" becuase they too struggle to fit in. I wish just one jock or popular kid who instead of making fun of me in school would have been like hey...wanna join me in a workout? Or do you need some help? But as I get older I realized they had fear too. It's a competition of who's fear is bigger then the next. Who, when they have everything, wants to risk loosing it? I never tried out for sports. Even though I wanted to be part of a team more then anything in school. I wanted to have a group of friends that I could trust and count on, something to look forward to, something for my family to watch and be proud of me for. But I didn't "I was too fat". I wanted to wear the latest trends and have something to talk about, but I didn't have the money and I couldn't shop in the same stores, becuase "I was too fat". I wanted to go to dances and proms and parties but I couldn't because I never got asked, becuase "I was too fat". Instead, I did band. That was all I ever did. I ate lunch in the band room becuase there I wouldn't get food thrown at me or people asking if I wanted their piece of cake becuase they simply just couldn't eat it. I stayed after school in the band room because I had nowhere to go after. I helped as much in the band room because it's a place where I felt like I could belong. A place where I fit in ... I had a huge fear of just standing up and saying ... HEY I'M HUMAN TOO. Funny thing is...it hasn't changed. I still have a fear of the kids I went to school with. I still have nothing in common with them. I don't have a husband, or even a boyfriend, I don't have kids, I don't even have the same friends I had in school. Fear kept me away from the 10 year reunion. Why? Because I hadn't changed. I hadn't changed physically (other then getting bigger) and I hadn't changed emotionally and I just didn't want to hurt. It'll be different next time. Next time I'll be the person I should have been back in 1994 when I was a freshman. I won't let the name like "Brenda the fenda benda" get to me because I know that they are doing that to make themselves feel better. Yeah I laughed...hahaha....I laughed because I was hoping that if I laughed and they saw that it didn't bother me they'd stop but in reality it just made them think it was okay, and in reality every night when I got home I cried. I cried because I just didn't understand why I was so different. Why I couldn't be like everyone else.

I didn't have the support at home. I love my parents but they were just like me ... how are they suppose to help me when they didn't even help themselves? I've also realized that the nothing in this life is handed to you ... at least nothing that you deserve. So with that "ah-ha" moment...this is why i've decided to do this now. I'm doing it. Noone else. I'm not doing it FOR anyone else. I'm not doing it BECAUSE of anyone else. This is my time to be important. This is my time to be the person I've worked hard to be!

I'm still fearful. If I'm not fearful then I'm not doing a good enough job at it. I overcame fear number 1 but asking people to keep me honest and to read this...if anyone reads this after the initial day, I don't know, but it doesn't matter...I overcame the fear of asking for help. I asked those that I hardly talk to, those that are closest to me, and even those that used to treat me bad in school. I overcame that, and I've even realized that it wasn't that bad and even have gotten support for people I never expected to. With that hurdle I was able to move on to the next fear to tackle. Fear is just a wall you have to break down to see the other side. Once you break it down YOU get to decide if you want to go there or not....but FIRST you have to break it down!

-Brenda

"“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson"


SIDE NOTE: I'm sure that sometimes in this blog some people will read this and shake their head and ask themselves what I was thinking or if I'm crazy...other times people will realize things they had no idea what I had been dealing with. I'm not writing this out of pity or attention. This is simply a place for me to write down what's in my head so that it leaves room for better more productive things and I decided to do it publicly becuase for me...if no one sees it, or has the potential to see it...it never really leaves and gets resolved.