Weigh-in Day ....

Today's weigh-in I was down 1.8 pounds! I am currently at 267.2 pounds and that is a total loss of 8.4 pounds. I have another 4.6 pounds before I reach my 5% goal and 18.6 before I reach my 10% goal and get my keychain!! it seems like so far away but I'm going to keep on going .... I have no choice!

Why hello....where have you been?

So it's been a few months....I took a break....lots went on, however, it was not all good nor all bad, just life I guess.

I got back onto the treadmill today and it's going to take a bit to work back up to where I last was. I also went back to weight watchers and weigh'd in and in 3 months I was down 1.8 pounds...I call that a NSV! I didn't gain and I actually lost....PLUS I've gone down a size in clothes so I guess I'm just rearranging where things are falling on my body...does that mean I'm getting older? YIKES!

Lots of things are happening around me right now that are trying to stress me out but I'm just taking one things at a time and trying to really maintain my level of comfort as to not sabotage myself and allow stress to get the best of me! We shall see how it all works I suppose :)

Sorry I've been absent...

Wow...times flies when you're NOT having fun!

Well the progress I've been on hasn't been that great but I haven't really gained so I'm looking at that as a plus.

Have you ever started eating something that you once loved but find yourself not really enjoying it but yet you continue to eat it anyways and while you're eating it you ask yourself why? Yeah that was me this morning...I was eating french toast and bacon and it wasn't tasting that good to me, i'm sure it was fine I just wasn't feeling it...Anyways I kept eating...even after I was full...finally I threw away the half that was left and I found it really hard! I hate throwing away food I guess...but I hate the feeling I get from overeating...

I watched the new show last night by chef Jamie Oliver and produced by Ryan Seacreast (becuase he doesn't have enough going on right now) and I absollutely loved it! I hope that it gets lots of attention and the local schools take notice...I was heartbroken at the reaction he was getting and the resistance to change he received from the worst town in the country as far as unhealthy goes...I know change is scary I get it but look at your self...look around you....that's what I had to do and it's what I constantly do each day....and it's not pretty.

I love my life but I hate it at the same time. It's hard to explain. I don't have any dreams or any challenges other to be skinny....but is being skinny what I really want? I will be happy if I can do the things everyone else can do. I will be happy if I can walk into anystore and find clothing in my size. I will be happy if I can fit into a seat on an airplane, carnival ride, or the like. I will be happy when I can walk and talk at the same time without being out of breath. I will be happy when I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see even if other people may not.

Why is it that the moment I get stressed it's the same moment I reach for anything to shove into my mouth? UGH it's so frustrating and it's to the point where I don't even realize I do it...till it's too late!

SO INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

North Carolina....

I set a goal awhile back before I started weight watchers that I couldn't go back to visit my friends in NC till I lost 50 pounds... So far I'm 15 pounds down and only 35 more to go!!! .... wooo hooo so I have to loose! God I can't wait till I feel that NC sunshine and see those NC boys :)

Monday Monday

So I failed at my 40 miles in February challenge...but hey it's a challenge right? We don't always succeed. But today my friends and I set up a 6 weeks challenge which will bring me right up to my trip to TEXAS! SAWEET! .... so hopefully I'll do great in that...I really need to find some energy...I have the motivation I just can't get my body to agree with me! SOOO FRUSTRATING! So in our group we decided to give up one thing for 6 weeks....one thing that really gets us as far as loosing weight. I decided to give up McDonald's. So sorry to all the McD employees out there but I had to...and it sucks becuase they have the Shamrock shakes :( BOOOO good thing I had one last night :)

So from now until 6 weeks from now....NO MCDONALDS!

I was out this weekend in the Old Port and really had some fun...the bar was busy for a change and everyone was in a good mood :) even me...the DD haha usually I'm mad at the boys for acting dumb but they were all on their best behavior :) Good for seeing old friends too :) I really wish I had the opportunity to go back to high school and do things different...it's hard to understand the social rank of people then and how in reality there isn't (or well shouldn't be) everyone should just get along and enjoy each other for what difference they can bring to the "table". Who knows...maybe next year i'll get to go to England and visit and be completely out of place and love every moment I'm there! haha

More Workout Songs....

This is from my friend who is a choreographer!

ccording to You, Blanco (by Pitbull...explicit but great driving beat), the group Bonde do Role is a Brazillian group with awesome workout music, Candy Man (Christina Agulara), Dance 4 Me (David Alexander) extended remix, Evacuate the Dancefloor (by Cascada) extended remix, Feeling Good (Muse...great for weight lifting or push-ups..anything requiring slow controlled aggression...lol), hey Soul Sister (Train...stretching), James Brown...Hot Pants, Make it Funky, I Know you Want me, Party Up (disney song that is upbeat and kid friendly), any fast songs by Pink...good girl power feel to her music, More by Demi LaVato, Think (Aretha Franklin), Cotton Eyed Joe remixes, Tik Tok (hate the song, but good workout beat),Welcome to the Jungle (Guns n Roses), When I Grow Up (Pussycat Dolls), 3 and Circus...Britney Spears (remixes are great), 4 Minutes (Justin Timberlake), fast music by Prince, Janet Jackson has a new one

supposedly she's got more coming for me too!!! LOVE IT

Turning my negatives into a positive!

This is in continuation of my earlier post.

Negative thought #1: I'm too tired to get out of bed.
Positive thought #1: You're doing this for your future...Get out of bed and do 15 minutes and after 15 minutes you still are too tired then go back to bed.

Negative thought #2: I have too much homework to take the time.
Positive thought #2: Getting in some exercise will help me focus and maintain my homework level easier and accomplish more in a shorter amount of time.

Negative thought #3: I'm in pain.
Positive thought #3: If I exercise a few minutes several times a day for several days my pain will likely lessen and provide me with more energy to be happier.

Negative thought #4: I can't!
Positive thought #4: Who besides yourself has ever told you can't was a word. You CAN! Now prove it to yourself.

Negative thought #5: I've been fat my whole life...what difference does it make?
Positive thought #5: I want my dreams to come true in the future and that future begins with now. Your past has brought you to an unhappy place and now it's your turn to take back your life and live it the way YOU WANT TO!





This experience was actually kind of fun and easier when you got going....it's unreal to stop and think about how many times you are negative to yourself when when you don't talk out loud...sometimes the most damaging conversations we have are with ourselves in which nobody can hear us!

This is hard!

Wow...have you ever wondered how you think? Negatively or Positively? I always thought I was a pretty positive person till I started doing today's Weight Watchers Tools for Living...there are 8 total so I figured I'd take one each day for the next 8 days and focus on them.

Today is POSITIVE SELF-TALKING

"The way we talk to ourselves makes a huge difference in our motivation and in our actions. Often we say things to ourselves that we wouldn't say to our worst enemy! Sometimes we think that being hard on ourselves will make us want to do better, but more often it just makes us feel bad about ourselves, so we do worse. By changing our negative self-talking to positive self-talking, we can make ourselves feel more empowered and capable.

What effect would it have on you if you always talked to yourself like you do to your best friend?"

EXAMPLES

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS / POSITIVE THOUGHTS

I can't do this / I can eat according to my plan just for today.

I'll never reach my weight goal. / By focusing on doing the right things just for today, the weight will come off.

I've always failed, so I will probably fail again. / Each time I have tried, I have learned more about what doesn't work and what does, making me much more likely to succeed now.

I'm just lazy. / Eating well and exercising gives me more energy.

**************************************************


SOOOO what are you negative thoughts and how are you going to turn them into positive thoughts? As for me? I have no idea....I figure I'll spend till lunchtime or just after thinking of maybe 5 negative thoughts in regards to my current lifestyle that are negative to my progression of a healthy and active one. Then this afternoon I'll take each of them and turn them into positives...THEN I'll post them by my mirror so that I'm forced to see them every morning as I get ready!

So who's with me? It's harder then it looks but I bet it's worth it! GO FOR IT!!!

I knew it was gonna happen....

Up 1.4 pounds.

That's okay though today is a different day and I'm staying on track for the week.... I'm committing myself to staying on track today. Tomorrow I'll do it again till I stay on track for the week...I'm also going to start combining exercise back in so I'm hoping for a big loss next week!

I'm still 11.8 pounds away from my 5% goal but i hope to get there in the next few weeks!!

Stayed for the meeting today and I was glad I did. I got some paperwork that should help me mentally get through some of the challenges I am having! I'll share them with you a little bit later when I sit down to work through them.

I've gotten some great song ideas the past few days from people and I'll update my list to the right side column with them!!

I'll return later!

“I did then the best I knew then. When I knew better, I did better” - M.A.

NERVOUS!

Tomorrow is weigh in day and yeah I skipped last week and all I've done the past week is eat...I haven't tracked anything and I sure as hell haven't even exercised! WTF is up with that???

UGH LIFE IS HARD!

I want it so bad I can almost taste it ... so why isn't it enough?
I've watched people get sick and even die from the same lifestyle I'm living...why isn't it enough?
I cry myself to sleep at night because I hate what I do to myself...why isn't it enough?

I'll never know I just have to keep trying each day and each day work just a little bit harder at one little thing that today I didn't achieve...maybe it's remembering to take my vitamin or maybe it's to just drink 8 ounces more of water...just something small and slowly over time I have to believe that it'll all come together. Kind of like putting together a puzzle? Some people start with the edges and then work inwards, other start with pieces that look similar from a section and work on sections of the puzzle till it comes together, and others yet still just match pieces in no particular order. There are many ways to achieve the end result but you're way may not be the same way as our neighbor - so while we may heed and give advice just remember that what works for you may not work for someone else...

...and because of that I need to also remember that what worked for me 5 years ago may not work now as I've not only changed my perception of who I am I've also changed my lifestyle.

Workout music

So as I will be starting my gym again next week I need to get some good workout music into a playlist on the 'ol ipod...

What is everyone's favorites? Anyone? I'm game for anything that will motivate me regardless of type of music - I'm up for some new stuff!!!

WOW...highs and lows to no end!

I've come so close to giving up on this journey the past week. I'll be honest. I said it. I said it because it's true. Life just got in the way...life just got to hard. But you know what? Life will never get any easier whether I give up and wait a few days or a few weeks or even a few years...there will always be another challenge on another day! So here I sit after a completely stressful week and another stressful one on tap to realize I haven't made good choices and I'll be dammed if I got in any exercise. But I'm not quitting. It's not who I am. It may have been who I was but I'm not that person anymore.

I missed my weigh-in yesterday as I completely lost track of what day it was and I've hummed and hawed this morning on if I should go and weigh-in today and the decision I made was no. I know that I could but the fact is it's my fault I didn't go. It's my fault I don't get to see the progress I've made or not made this week so I'm going to do the best I can do to work extra hard and hopefully have a bigger loss next week to give me a bit of extra motivation. I will however perhaps go and join a meeting to hear what they have to say.

Last week was my Superbowl...lots of food and none of it really that healthy and the stuff that WAS healthy I ate way too much of to be healthy anymore LOL I did make cupcakes with applesauce and they were DELICIOUS however...I ruined it with the frosting I slabbed on top ... OOPS but at least it wasnt as bad as regular cupcakes with the slabbed on frosting :) Little victories ....

One of the things I'm getting with my taxes return money is a gym membership...sure I have the outdoors and the wii and the videos but there is something I miss about the gym...there is motivation there... I'm looking to develop a routine to combine my love for the outdoors (which i'll admit hasn't been fully developed yet) and my love for the feeling after a good workout to the competition of the wii! I'll make it work...I NEED to make it work. At this point it's no longer a want it's a NEED. I'm getting older and by 30 when life is really suppose to begin as they say I want to be able to embrace it....truly embrace it! Time is ticking...can you hear it? Tick tock tick tock tick tock...

What is wrong with people???

So this weekend I had an issue that I've honestly never had in my life happen to me. Mostly, because I've avoided it. So here I am thinking I need some motivation so I head to a store that typically doesn't sell clothes over XL and even those are a small XL. I figure I can't be that far away from it so I'd go in to this store that sells the "Hip" clothes and get a cute outfit that is in the biggest size there which is still smaller then I can fit into and hang it on my wall as a motivation outfit to try on every once in awhile...good idea right?

Well....apparently the sales associate had other ideas becuase I walked in and was looking at a few tops and I wasn't even there 5 minutes and she comes over to ask if she could help me look for my gift. I said oh I'm not looking for a gift - I'm looking for an outfit for myself and she looked at me in a disbelief look and said "right...a gift for someone else from you...how about some over here these are night and durable and "in" right now, what do they like to do?" I said "No, I think you misunderstood. I'm looking for an outfit for myself - for me to wear." And then she goes "oh...well in that case you need to leave because we don't have anything in the store that you'd be able to fit into, let alone look good in" ...I just stared at her and was like seriously? I was quiet in disbelief and even though I wanted to cry at how rude people can still be....even to perfect strangers, I held my head high and said thank you for taking the time and turned around and walked out. As I turned the corner I looked in the window and she had a smug smile on and I went to my car and cried. Why can I not see myself how other people apparently see me? Is it really that hard to ask a person WHY there were shopping there for an outfit? Or WHY they picked that store? UGH

I sulked for awhile and made myself feel like crap and I ate...yes I'm an emotional eater....

Then I took action. I called the store and asked to speak to the manager and I'm pretty sure it was that same girl that answered the phone and she said she's not here can I help you and then I told her that if I thought she could help me I wouldn't be asking for the manager and hung up. I called back later and finally got the manager and I spoke to her about what happened. She was mortified and assured me that the issue would be taken care of that I was welcome into that store at any point and she could guarantee me that when I did come into that store I wouldn't have to see the sales associate again because she wouldn't be there and that she (the manager) would be personally sending me out a gift card to come back and shop for an outfit and said that she would personally help me select an outfit that would be fabulous if she was there. So after she got my address we said our goodbyes.

Immediately I felt guilty. I don't really know what I expected would happen if I called...but what if the sales associate was just having a bad day? What is I read more into what she said becuase I immediately took the defensive? I just cost someone a job and in these days that hard to find...

But then again, as a customer I shouldn't be made to feel that I can't shop anywhere so I stand behind my decision to call the manager regarding the situation and blessed that I was given a gift card for my outfit (even though I told her it wasn't necessary I was just calling to bring attention to the issue) and will once again be going back there for my outfit...I just might wait a few weeks more!

Sluggish

Man....what a freaking weekend! I feel like I never stopped...but I couldn't tell ya what I did ... just what I didn't. I didn't eat right and I didn't exercise....but I'm not giving up...I just got to find my balance. I got to find a schedule that works for both me and my body...and an ever changing schedule makes that really hard...

I'm going to gain weight tomorrow at WW but I'm already okay with it because I'm expecting it...I'm still going to go and own my weigh-in and know that mistakes I made and keep plugging along.

SOOOOO much to do so little time! YIKES...off to my favorite little kids birthday dinner tonight :) and no there won't be any cake for me!

I'll hopefully get back on later tonight to do a real entry but my laptops busted and I'm shopping for a new one...really hoping for a macbook pro...hahahaha funny I know!

WHOSH....

What a freakin morning! I'm exhausted!!!

NASCAR MEDIA DAY ON TV TODAY!!! Exciting right there!!! HOTT driver alert :)

Did you know that a bottle of regular pepsi (20oz) is 6 points???? Not that I would know or anything.....

Brad Keselowski really is an ugly little fella....kind of tied with Joey Lagano....



Busy day today ... lots to do but none of it is getting done. Photo shoot tonight after dinner...should be fun! Hopefully I can make the new mamma to be happy with her pictures :) Got to do some prep work and go get some sheets for a backdrop...oh and set up some lights....YICKS! Lots to do I guess....where the hell is my tripod anyways??? Anyone??

I have soooo much homework to do! I wish they put my school books on tape so that I could listen to them while I walk...it'd make life SOO much easier! I haven't done my walk today and I'm not sure when I'll get the time in to do it...I guess it'll be a late night COLD walk for me!

Okay back to work....move move move!

Exercise...

Exercise is hard...I hate it...but I love the after glow. I want to be a runner. I don't know why I just think it would be awesome to see the town by foot or the trails via the woods. However, I know that i'm not a runner now, nor will I be tomorrow. I can however, start walking and build up my stamina to someday be that runner. I have a walk scheduled in March and I'm going to do a 5k in the fall but that one will be running. I just don't know what one yet. I'm also thinking about perhaps doing a mothers and/or fathers day walk, to kind of buildup my stamina...maybe i'll walk/run them....

Today I logged in 2 miles for my 40 in February challenge...38 miles to go!

WEIGH-IN DAY!

It was time to face the scale! I set my alarm for 5am to get up and do some house cleaning and just wake my body up, however, when I opened my eyes I realized there was far too much light to be 5am. CRAP! I over slept! Errr I must have shut off the alarm instead of the snooze....great...! I was suppose to be at WW by 715am so I could weigh-in and be at the 730am meeting before I had to be at class...WRONG! Since it was 710am now I just got ready as fast as I could. (NONE of my school stuff was ready as I was up late doing schoolwork...) I made it to weigh in around 745 so I missed the meeting but I still weigh'd in and I'll go to another one this week to make-up for it.

So are you ready? You wanna know what the scale said? Really? Are you absolutely sure??? Drum roll please...... 3.8 pounds GONE! I didn't say lost because frankly I don't want to find them again so I shipped them off to a far away country hopefully to be locked in a pyramid somewhere. :) So yeah I know that 3.8 pounds the first week is normal but damn that feels good! I hope that I can keep the momentum going and remember that progress!

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days...life got a bit crazy for a while and I wasn't near a computer and then when I was I didn't have the energy to put together cohesive thoughts....but I've set up bloggin on my phone so I can do it from anywhere now....love my blackberry!!!

I had a fun day on Sunday furniture shopping with one of my bestest. He's crazy and makes me laugh constantly. By the end of the day another friend had joined us and lets just say that between the two of them they had me so embarrassed I'm lucky I was actually able to purchase my furniture before we got thrown out....lucky for us we had two great sales people who joined in on the fun! Love them for it!!! So many laughs :)

I didn't journal my food and definitely didn't do my points over the weekend and things got real tough. I lost track mentally of what I had eaten and I found myself extremely frustrated...but it was my own fault and lesson learned.

This week I'm focusing on my activity level. Time to start moving and shaking! I have 40 miles in February to do and I'm behind the 8 ball....already day 3 and I don't have any miles logged! I will today though :)

Goodbye for now!
-Brenda

Remember if you mess up this minute the next one is less then 60 seconds away!

Fiber!

I think I ate too much fruit & veggies today. Is that possible? Yeah my body is definitely telling me it is :/ I went over on my points again today bt its because I didn't plan my day till about noon foodwise and at hat point I'd already spent 14 of my 33 points on my breakfast of sprite, plain bagel and plain cream cheese....hmmm *SMACK* to the forehead is what I did. So I spent the rest of my meals on salad, ham sandwich w/wheat bread, yogurt, SF pudding, and V8 fusion juice....I also have a massive headache tonight...can a person detox from chocolate? I think I am..

I need to plan my meals, like and activities. I dearly miss being on a schedule...never knew how much!

Have you ever wondered why you find yourself seeking approval from certain people? I have. There are a few people who I just want to be the best I can be around them and how a simple "Thank You" or "That's Sweet" can totally transform your day and/or your outlook. Why do we need that sense of approval? That sense of accomplishment? That sense of pride? Why is that something we never grow out of?

This journey has been nothing short of questions....questions I haven't yet found the answers to but here I go in search of answers even if they produce yet again more questions...

I love me.
I love my life.
I love my family.
I love my friends.